


He Did It All for the Noodle(s)

by pyrrhical (anoyo)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-01
Updated: 2010-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:26:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoyo/pseuds/pyrrhical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for smallearthcat and my drabble ping-pong for the prompt "noodle." Not beta'd. This is totally bizarre, by the way. Just, like, what the hell, Kirk. And me, via Kirk. Kirk really just wants a bowl of spaghetti. But, uhm, also? He's Kirk. It can't be that simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Did It All for the Noodle(s)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 3/1/10 [here](http://pyrrhical.livejournal.com/172151.html#cutid3).

Why on earth the replicators couldn't replicate something as commonplace as a noodle was something Kirk would never figure out. He could plug in the most obscure, random-ass recipes -- what the hell was marzipan pudding, that sounded like eight cavities in a dessert full of gross -- and POW, out would come some perfectly replicated cellular masterpiece.

But, no, the replicators couldn't manage, for the whatever-passed-for-life-when-you-were-inanimate-and-made-of-chrome-and-noodle-hating-spite of them, to make anything that resembled a decent noodle. When Kirk wanted anything noodly, he had to make it himself. And believe-you-Kirk, that was not the easiest task, in the middle of space.

First, you had to find a pot. Or something that could function as a pot. You'd think that anything pot-shaped could, really, but it's amazing what sorts of things will catch on fire before they'll conduct heat properly. (Amazing, really; Kirk was tempted to write a discourse on it if he didn't think it would lose him his boat. Or at least, you know, a medal or something.) And then you had to find somewhere to boil water in it. The science labs were not so friendly to open flames or water-in-pot-shaped-things, especially after the first pot-shaped-things caught aflame (or the second, or third, or seventh, and, really, Kirk had known the hat would, but it had been funny, and he had been a little drugged, still).

Once you finally found a place to boil the water, you had to consider the difficulty had in finding solid noodles. They had to be imported from somewhere that didn't solely use replicators. That was to say: somewhere not a colony, and earth-like (or, well, just earth; they had to be imported from earth). When you imported things like that, you had to explain why. When you imported things like that to the Starship Enterprise, you had to explain why it was pressing enough to be necessary on a Constitution-class ship in the middle of ass-fuck nowhere (the paperwork was more formal, but Kirk was hardpressed to care when his spaghetti tasted like wet dog).

After that, he had to learn how to cook spaghetti, and repeat said process indefinitely until that learning process actually produced some results. (He might have drunkenly apologized to the replicator once. Maybe. He's not sure.)

When he finally, finally managed to produce a good pot of spaghetti, there was a no-holds-barred Klingon attack on the ship.

It got soggy.

He doesn't think he'll ever really forgive Klingons for that one (he hadn't really minded them before; warlike, sure, but nothing personal against them). Months wasted.

In fact, Kirk only managed to eat a good batch of spaghetti the week before the end of his first five-year mission. Bones was very sure to point out the needless waste of having ordered those noodles, since he was sure to be able to find somewhere that served spaghetti once they returned to, you know, earth. Kirk was only able to say, "It was worth it."

Bones was only able to write in his medical report, "The captain doesn't like to lose. This is a good trait in a Captain. An excellent trait. It's an incredibly irritating trait in a man in want of a bowl of spaghetti."


End file.
